“Enough of this bullshit!”
I said it. It was 10:15 pm, the kids were still awake, and I was frustrated. Trin had just sat up to complain about her pillows and rearrange them for the third time. David was shifting noisily in his bed and coming up with all sorts of small requests: “Can I have my music on?” Can I be naked?” Can I have Harper?”
“Enough of this bullshit! You two need to go to sleep…NOW!”
I try to watch my language these days, but sometimes it just comes out. It’s bad enough when it’s directed at an object or another driver, but it’s especially egregious when it’s directed at the kids. I know it, but still…
I picked Trin up a bit abruptly, told David to stay in his bed. “And don’t get out!” I went to the other room and walked Trin around huffily, singing her a curt little lullaby. It was a performance of tenderness without actual tenderness, though I did apologize to her before she nodded off.
She went to sleep in about 5 minutes. David, for his part, stayed in his bed and went to sleep with me patting his back. I apologized to him, too.
I apologized to both of them again this morning, told them I was wrong to have gotten so mad last night and that I loved them more than anything. I made them scrambled eggs, and got them ready for pre-school. But on the way to school, they started to argue with each other about the windows: David wanted his window down, but Trin was “cold” and wanted him to put it up. Both refused to budge or compromise. I pulled over and, frustrated again, told them that I was tired of them acting so selfish and that they need to start acting like a family that loves one another. They apologized (the window stayed down) and we drove on.
The irony wasn’t lost on me. Just 10 hours before, I was barking at them for something as minor as not settling down at bedtime. Sure, I apologized, but was that really enough?
I dropped them off at pre-school and gave them both big hugs, picked them up, tickled them, told them how much I loved them and that I’d be back to pick them up later on as usual. I left feeling pretty low.
Saying “I love you” is easy. Anyone can do it. Too often, it’s like a social tick: a verbal curtain dropping at the end of a conversation. The bottom line is I worry that I don’t show it enough, or that my actions and my words don’t match up well enough. I know that some words are too much. But I worry that others just aren’t enough. I worry that I’m confusing my kids about what love or kindness or sincerity are.
I get frustrated. I say something loud or angry or unkind. I apologize. I tell them I love them. Repeat.
Enough of this bullshit.
I’d love to hear how you deal with this in your own lives.
6 comments:
Here's the thing. I make many (MANY) of the same - or similar - mistakes, with the same kinds of effects and self-recriminations you're going through. So I may be in no position to talk, but here are some of the strategies I've been working on:
When things are starting to get out of hand and I feel like *I'm* starting to get overly frustrated, I've been trying to remove myself from the situation - physically - for a few minutes to regroup. Even if I say it angrily, I tell them that I need a few minutes alone and just walk away for a bit. When I've calmed down I go back and start over with what I was trying to do.
I gave in and set up a kind of task board - a very cheap vinyl thing from Target that just adheres to the wall (and can be peeled off) and some vinyl stickers I bought online that can be reused. The chart has five categories: Brushed teeth; Took bath; Picked up bedroom; Picked up Living Room [our playroom]; Went to bed without fussing. When it's bedtime, the last thing we do is give out stickers (one kind for each kid) for accomplishments. So far, the stickers alone are reward enough, but once C. is a little older we may start assigning weekly allowances or something on the basis of this/revised chart. If it were just M. (i.e. an older kid), I'd probably start checking weekly progress and give some kind of reward - playing a game together or something - for a job well done.
When I've gotten angry at M. and sent her for a time out, we kind of do a recap afterwards of why it happened. If it involved me flying off the handle and behaving badly, I usually start with "I shouldn't have [thrown the toy across the room]," but I was getting frustrated with [you not picking up toys like I asked 25 times]." I try to verbalize my feelings - generally "frustration" but sometimes "angry" when I'm legitimately pissed - so that she can see that the feeling is coming from somewhere and isn't some kind of random thing. Once things have calmed down completely - in the case of your story, the next morning or when I pick them up from school - I try to sit down with her and talk about *why* I get so frustrated, emphasizing that it's part of my job to make sure that she's ready to go to kindergarten and be a good member of her class, and that means (X, Y, Z).
You could definitely say that I verbalize too much and that it might be a little overwhelming for a 5 year old, but in her case she's quite verbal herself and it generally seems to work well for her to know why I get this way. I also emphasize that I love her, but it's usually followed by a "but this is not how we behave and this is why..."
It's all so hard, though, and God knows I'm making mistakes left and right. I have a bad habit of making passive-aggressive statements like "Fine, if you don't [X] I'll just [Y]," which has come back to haunt me with a vengeance (it dovetails nicely with M.'s propensity to try and head punishment off at the pass, so she often yells, "FINE! If you don't love me, then I'll just [whatever]." Soooo frustrating, and all my fault.
Hang in there. You're your harshest critic and not doing nearly as badly as it may feel.
Hey Jonathan,
I'm not a parent, but I've been a kid. And I think every child knows they can be annoying, and they will get yelled at. As a kid, I never once heard an, "I'm sorry" or an "I love you" from my pop. And...I remember this. Yeah, your kids, like every other kid, might think your a dork. But they'll also know you have been fair and that you love them. No kid can ever hear that enough. Never.
Beth L
Ooops..."you're a dork." I hate when I leave out contractions.
Not that I'm emphasizing, that you're a dork, or anything. Wow...I'm outta here.
BL
I thought I'd share an epiphany I had this morning re: M. She keeps saying that so-and-so doesn't love her when there's the slightest problem, and it's been driving me craaaaaaaazy. We tell her how much we love her all the time, but this thing keeps popping out. Listening to her do it this morning over her then-very-annoying brother, it occurred to me that *maybe* one reason she does it is because she can't quite handle feeling that pissed at him, so she just kind of projects her anger onto someone who, because they're being an asshole, clearly doesn't love her. Also, she kept saying she's a "bad girl," which reinforced my feeling that she's having a hard time with her negative emotions.
So we talked for awhile about the difference between liking someone and loving someone - she was worrying that she might forget she loved someone if she got angry with them, so I pulled out a few examples from this morning where she showed that she loves her brother - worrying when he was screaming bloody murder about having a diaper changed, etc. - even though she gets angry with him for being such a PITA.
The thing is, this is an issue we've had for *months* around here, and my solutions to this point have been to 1) roll my eyes and say "Of *course* we love you"; 2) agree with her and get her more upset; 3) cease talking with her until I could get a handle on my own Big Emotions. None too mature, to say the least. And I don't have any way of knowing, at this point, if my new approach is the right one or not...they're moving targets and we're doing the best we can, you know? To the extent that we're always trying to figure them and our parenting out, and trying to make it better for their sakes, I think we absolutely have to make room for self-forgiveness as well.
so it's a little trite and cheesy I know, but this seemed like the appropriate link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoZU1_M9nVk&feature=related
anybody who takes this much care of his kids' feelings is a terrific dad, Jonathan
I stopped. It was affecting my relationship with my son. I knew I had to change, and it was tough but I did it. The problem was that deep down I was thinking the behavior was acceptable; otherwise I wouldn't have done it. So I had to convince myself, deep down, that it wasn't - and when my son started turning away from me I really GOT it. Things are much better now. Good luck to you.
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